NO, PANTS!!! BAD, BAD, BAD, PANTS

I started this blog as a reaction to breaking up with my last boy friend, Wild Indian Joe. Joe lives up in Seal Rocks and is a total fucking nightmare. And certifiable fox.

Up north, he's asking around town about me again. Asking my cousins for my number.

A text message conversation:

Amby:I know I probably shouldn't tell you this, buuuuuut schrappy asked Kirra sbout you the other day...Haha? Nervous laugh

Amby: And i think he might have asked for your number

[check out me trying to be mature and shit]

Pants: Ha!!!!! God he's a card. That boy....sheeesh. Glad to see he's developed as a human :P

Pants: Hang on! Shit! I read that as he asked her OUT. Oh Well. Same applies I guess.

Amby: Same applies? Are you sure ha ha

Pants: NO!!!! Who am I kidding!!! Liar liar pants on fucking fire!!!!

Amby: Well this weekend I'm going to see my dad and grandma in Newy, then I'm heading up to see the fam. If i happen to see  Chris (ha) [her gorgeous but emotionally retarded long time repeat offender ex lover, and best friend of Joe] and Joe shall I pass on your number?

Pants: Goddammit. Yes. Bloody hell. In for a penny, in for a pound (literally).


******

YES I KNOW

I KNOW, OK

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!!!!

Hey, Kids!


1. Fitness and shit
So, I'm still kickboxing, boxing and bootcamping, and now I'm working on my running technique too. Pretty productive way to spend my semester break, I guess. 


My boxing and kickboxing technique still leave a bit to be desired, but fuck me I'm getting strong and fit. Whenever I have a new boxing/kick partner, their eyes go all wide when I land my first punch or kick. I feel kind of proud of that :) I got told by my male boxing partner this morning that I was a "machine", which I'm not entirely happy with as it makes me sound grunty, but I guess that's good? My latest record for # ribkicks in 3 mins is 251... the fitest woman in my gym does 280 (albeit a lot harder than me). I'm aiming to hit 270 soon.


Oh and I've lost 5 kg since... well the last time I weighed myself. Can't remember when that was. Not bad considering the muscle mass I've put on and the fact that I haven't dieted.


Thanks for the positive comments, by the way. Not that I'm hating on myself or anything, or that I need anyones approval for having a large (although may I say quite toned) arse. Very kind of y'all none the less :)


2. Recipe
Word to Koops! Here is the cake recipe as per your request. It's a variation of a Bill Granger cake.

• CAKE: 3 mandarins; 3 Cardamon pods; 250g (1 cup) caster sugar; 6 eggs; 230g (2 cups) ground almonds; 
• GLAZE: 60g (1/4 cup) caster sugar, extra; zest of 1 orange; Juice 1 orange; 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon 

METHOD

• Put the mandarins in a medium saucepan and cover with water. Add cardamon pods. Bring to the boil and for 2 hours, adding water if the mandarins become uncovered.
• Pop your oven on to 160C.
• Drain the mandarins and cool. Split em open and dig out any seeds. Puree the little bastards, including the skins and one or two of the cardamons in a blender.
• Add the sugar and eggs  and ZING ZING.  Same with Almond meal.
• Pour the mixture into a buttered up cake tin. I use a small and deep silicon mold. I like silicon. 
• The original recipe says to bake that bitch for about 1 hour 10 minutes, or until the cake looks set in the middle. I reckon it's more like 1 hr 40. Check at 1hr 10, and if the middle is goey, chuck it back in. When I first made this, I turned the cake out onto a plate and then the prick of a thing collapsed because it wasn't set properly. I just jammed it back into the pan and kept cooking. turned out fine. 
• For the glaze, put the extra sugar in a saucepan with the juice, rind and cinnamon. Kind of reduce it down a bit, until it's darkened and/or making sugar crystals on the side of the pan. Dribble over the cake.
• Serve hot with thick cream, bitches. Or cold the next day with a cuppa tea. YUMMY. And sort of healthy, too. Hey, it's got fruit in it.

3. Romance
Fuck it. Can't be arsed. Rather finger myself.


4. Edumacation
Back on Prac (for counselling this time) as of next week. I've been warned there's a slight suicide epidemic at the high school I'm working at. Sounds....relaxing.


5. Money
Broke. as. fuck. So poor. Lost track of how many thousands of dollars I owe my pare's.


Good news is i will be back in full time employment as of OCTOBER. BOOM!!!! Also means I get to wear my funny gown and hat at a graduation ceremony soon. And then I will be a Master. Well, not really, I'll just have a Master's degree, but I feel like that achievement deserves a name change. Master Pants. Lady the Masterful. Something like that.


6. Obsessions
I really really really love Lady Gaga, even though I think she's a bit of a try-hard and becasue I actually don't particularly like her music. Oh, except for Born this way, which I legitimately like. She's just so... fucking OTT and bonkers.
Completely want to do the guy with the skeletal full body tatt. 

Have this song burnt into my head at the moment. It's laughable in parts, and the film clip is...Gaga-y. But I can't stop looking.

And finally this kid. OH MY GOD, HEART GOES BOOM!!!!!!! We're much alike. Nawwwwwwww! Click through, for the love of God. As an aside, one of those husbands is a total fox.

Lazy Pants

So my birthday has been and gone, and was passed quite pleasantly. I ended up going to Opera Bar for champagne and a bite to eat, whilst checking out the Sydney Vivid light shows that were on at the time. the customs house display was most impressive. Did anybody else get to see this? The weekend after, I went to hang out with some friends and family, had a few nice diners, some sunny breakfasts, rah rah rah. Nothing ground breaking, but pleasant none the less.

Which could sum up my life at the moment. Pleasant but...meh. I really have nothing to complain about. I'm even on holidays, gaddammit.I should be happy. And most of the time I am. But over the last few days, I have not been my sunny self.

I think I'm lonely. Every weekday I'm either boxing, kick boxing or boot-camping. Then throughout the day, I nap, or do some work for uni, or...well thats about it really. In the evenings, I either go to my job gym or I go to yoga or I shoot the shit with my flatmate. I've not been going out very much at all.

I've not got the hots for anyone, and noone has the hots for me, or if they do (hello hot boxer at the gym) its all kind of pointless anyway because they aren't making  a move, and they aren't that interesting that I would make a move.

I havent had sex since february, but there is nothing worth the energy of fucking, all the energy of the flirting and such. In other news, pretty sure I'm still straight. Well, most of the time.

Plus, sometimes I feel fat. I'm training like a mother fucker,  and fit as hell, but my body wants to be round. Most of the time I'm ok with it, but then sometimes I HATE it. I've never had a tummy before! Also, my tits are enormous and bovine.

I think I want a boyfriend again. But, see above. BLARG.

Here are some pictures:

 breast in the dark

 Mandarin and Almond Cake

 Meatballs a la Jamie Oliver ...(Also I made a beef and red wine casserole of his - HOLY BEJESUS it was tasty)

 A restored iron and glass table I got for my birthday. And my little potted garden in my patio

 Another restored table my mum bought for me, just because. And my sticks/leaves/paper flower arrangement.

me giving up whilst attempting to change the sheets on my bed this morning

in the dark

i want to be numb from wanting again

to have heavy eyes and swollen lips and a slapped cheek

and worse where you cant see

i want things i didn't think i wanted anymore

because i'm too busy or tired or theres no-one on the horizon

and besides i've grown out of that haven't i?

i want to be hurt again

i want to give in

i want my trust broken

i want to not breathe

i want to be ashamed

this doesn't happen very often, but when it does it always takes me by surprise. 

ps: spent 9 hours interviewing perspective flatmates yesterday. one would think that was punishment enough.

*edited* FUCK!! prospective housemates

BOOM!! (oh, and I have new sheets)

My reply to HT:

Well, well, well...

Thank you for your kind and generous offer of sex on your terms when you feel like it. I feel the need to pause here to draw attention to what was glossed over in your email: you made an arrangement to see me, and then without bothering to advise me of your change in intent, you didn’t follow through. Instantly this makes you persona non grata in my world. I wouldn’t accept this behaviour from a friend, and I wouldn’t (and won’t) accept this behaviour from someone I’ve slept with. It's rude. And you don't even have the excuse of stupidity or lack of awareness to hide behind.

This does not put you in a very strong position to negotiate with me, I’m afraid. I’m not sure if you think that I’m stupid, needy, or just hard up, but I can assure you none of this is the case. I have no interest in settling for whatever crumbs of attention you decide to toss my way. 

Whilst I’m at it, things never had to be as difficult and dramatic as you made them, either. I have run out of energy for all these pointless histrionics. There’s only room for one neurotic, emotionally retarded princess in my life, and that’s me. You are nearly 40. For the love of God, get it together.

I actually find it quite unpleasant having to spell all this out. And believe it or not, I don’t particularly enjoy being a bitch to you. But you really should have known better than to bother contacting me again. 

I think that this just about puts it to rest, don't you? Sit and spin, you tosser.

*****

I accidentally spent $400 on linen and pillows today - fucken whoops! I'm totally in love with my bed now. Let's see how long all those cushions last, they will be a bit of a pain in the arse me thinks. But so pretty!

Update: GET OFF THE CRACK PIPE, HT

Well! Surprise fucking surprise!! HT has decided to email me after he STOOD ME UP a few weeks ago.


Let's see what the cunt has to say for himself, shall we:


"Hi Lady,

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to you before now. There's really no excuse, apart from the fact that I've been quite busy and when I'm not I haven't felt very sociable and I'd be worried I'd be lousy company.

I guess there's also a little more that's been playing on my mind. I really like your company, I like hanging out with you, and I'm also very attracted to you. I've always had a good time with you, and I'd like to have more fun. But I guess I've been a little unsure of what it is we are doing and what you think we are doing. I hate being this guy, which is the guy that sounds like a complete flake. I guess I'm hoping that you too are happy to keep what we have casual. I find it hard to relax when I'm not sure what you are thinking, and I know we'd have a better time if we knew where we stood with each other.

I should have asked you to your face, but it's so hard to raise the question, because it always makes me sound presumptuous and condescending, and as far as I can tell, you might be just as happy to keep this on a friendship level, with some fun if it pleased you. Anyway, if you feel like I'm being a tool, and fucking you around, no problem, I'll understand. But if you did want to catch up again, I'd be happy to see you. 

I hope you're well. x"

yeh yeh yeh, yadda yadda yadda, YOU STOOD ME UP YOU RUDE FUCKSTAIN. Even though I was in truth hoping for more of a relationship type vibe, I would have been still all up for fun and games or casual, but seeing as you fucked me around all deals are OFF.

I have not replied yet, but needless to say I won't be agreeing to his dodgy little proposal. I'm taking submissions from you, my dear readers, for suggested content.

What a fucking tosser.

Filth and Fotos

Hola, Amores!

So the answer to your burning question - Did pants get royally pounded in the vajayjay on her vaycay? - is a resounding YES. Unfortunately both occassions were quite shit, but the important thing is that I supported the Argentinian beef industry.

Fuck Number One

It's all rather hazy, sorry guys, as I was stupefyingly drunk after spending about $150 in AUSTRALIAN DOLLARS on wine in a very intimate old-timey tango bar.

I was stumbling home through the cobbled streets of San Telmo, having had several dances on stage with the dashing male lead despite my salami breath. A gentleman appeared from god knows where and invited me to a coffee. In my boozy state, I considered this a rather good idea, as I definitely should attempt to sober up. Plus i thought he was one of the performers from the club I was just in (he wasn't). His name was Ariel, and whilst he wasn't much to look at he was wearing a dashing dinner suit.

We drank strong coffee and I pretended to be able to put a sentence together. He was to play piano at a club at 3am (it was 2), so we stumbled out into the streets. He kissed me. I kissed him back. Long story short I ended up in his apartment which was largely filled with a grand piano which nearly caught the brunt of my smashed glass of whisky.

He had a single bed. He wouldn't eat my pussy (GAME OVER). He was ok I guess, but I was so drunk I didn't really care. When he asked if I was coming, I simply answered "errr, no I'm not". He attempted to be sweet and tender, but he was simply inept. I also remember getting spanked at some stage.

Afterwards I fell asleep on his bed, only to be awoken by his taking pictures of me (?!). Then he asked me if I was a virgin. Was I THAT shit in bed? Or was this some kind of catholic fantasy?? Either way, I decided it prudent to catch a cab home.

Fuck Number 2


I met Jean Luc briefly in a hostel in Mercedes, North East Argentina. He was young and French and we exchanged pleasantries before I jumped in the 4WD which was taking me the 4 hour drive to Esteros Del Iberia. Turns out he was heading there too, which wasn't surprising as there wasn't much reason to visit Mercedes other than that. 'Oh, good', I thought to myself 'He seems nice enough.'.

One day later and I was heading out on the tinny in the wetlands, speeding past the only bridge into town... I saw a familiar blue shirt and a curly mop of dark hair hitchhiking and I waved. Returning to my dorm later that night he was sleeping, caramel skinned and baby faced.

I spent the next day walking the trails and horseriding. He and I were in the dorm alone together, so we struck up a friendship and made dinner together using his flash light and drank red wine (9 pesos a bottle and pretty freaking tasty). His english was stilted - he told a most amusing tale about mortally offending an elderly lady in Adelaide by asking her "where the bitches were" and being subsequently confused at her fury when all he wanted was a swim in the ocean - but we  made each other laugh. We both loved Trainspotting, the opening lines of which he read to me in french (which I understand somewhat). He read me a poem from his journal. He told me girls with Australian accents are sexy (a lie of course). He showed me the photos from his trip in Patagonia, and spoke wistfully of its majesty and its beauty as we leaned together peering at the images on the screen of his camera, the heat from his skin meeting that of my own.

"I'm going to get laid", I thought to myself. Quite astute, I know.

He kissed me, the most beautiful soft, fluid and yet commanding kiss I've had in a very long time. Ohhhh golly gee, could that darling boy kiss nice. And yet still be all meow and guide me into his embrace with a firm grip on my hair. His hands made their way to my breasts, and I felt his baby breath catch. "Bed?" said I, and he agreed.

Such a slender young body he had in the moonlight, it's golden glow apparent even in the near dark. And his skin was positively velvety. As he undressed my body, I saw the glint of his gap toothed smile. And honestly, if you ever want to feel hot, try this: slap yourself on the ass and say to yourself in a french accent "I luff your bod-deee". I mean, there really is something so moist about that accent.

By the time we had fooled around for half an hour I was pretty much panting with desire for him to bang me. As was he. But unfortunately at the critical moment...things went a bit flat. The poor dear was horrified. "Eye do not understand zis!" "Eye sink I am scared, you know, of your expeeerienz" and, in what has to be the ALL TIME BEST THING SAID TO ME WHILST FUCKING  (see previous list) "Oh non! I am like zee Spud!! In zee Trainspotting!!".

And you know, I think there are worse things than not being able to get it up. It's usually fixed with lots of kisses and distraction and maybe some rubbing of titties in face and a spritely blow job. Yes, there are much worse things.

... Like really quick, non-rhythmic, shallow and yet somehow overly strenuous thrusting. He'd thrust wildly for about 45 seconds, then exhaust himself and pant for about 15 seconds, before resuming again. I tried to take things into my own hands by manouvering him onto his back and giving him a good old fashioned slow, hard grind - complete with titty rubbing mind you - which he understandably was quite into. So much so that he promptly started thrusting beneath me like a demented jackhammer/hummingbird hybrid, throwing my mojo right out the window.  And then he tried to fuck me in the ass which was never going to happen in a month of fucking sundays.

Oh, it was such a shame. I had high hopes for him. Still it was ever so nice to see him naked and lustful in the morning light, even if I knew it would result in more inelegant shafting.

Such a sweet and beautiful boy. I only wish I had more time to rescue him for bad-root status.


 FOTOS FROM MY HOLGA


Please excuse the dodgy formating but uploading that was a total cunt. Also, no labels, but feel free to ask for details on any particular snaps.

 

  

 

 

 

Dates, jet-setting and weirdly offensive comments

HT and I went for another drink last night, seeing as I'm leaving for Buenos Aires TOMORROW (yeh!!!!). I wore a very short and  deeply v necked dress which was only just saved from slutdom by the fact it was baby pink with a small dark blue flower print and a dark blue ribbon trim. And then bought back t whore town by the sure cute t-bar peep toe heels I paired them with. See, outfit made sisters tits and legs look fucking amaze, if I say so myself, and i wanted to see if I could distract him from over-intellectualising me as he is wont to do. Unfortunately, no such luck. Although he did say he liked my dress as a passed him his pinot noir across the table (serious! what stupid twat drinks red - even a light one - in this heat?). I think he might have been talking about my tittays. Anyway. Disappointingly he remained as gentlemanly as ever during the formal part of proceedings.

We left to go home and he asked me if I wanted to come back to his house, to which I replied, "of course" - HELLO WE ARE FUCKING, LAST TIME I CHECKED. I DID NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE AND BRAVE DEATH THROUGH EXPOSURE TO THE ELEMENTS IN ORDER TO JUST DRINK A FEW SUBSTANDARD G&Ts, THANK YOU. Again, cute, but give it a rest, brother.

(as a side note, fucking great, just blew the motor in my fan. My cooling device, not my cunt, for the avoidance of doubt)

So it was back to his house for herbal tea and a discussion about whether it was capitalists or capitalism which contributes most to the downfall of our society, northern european socialist models, you know the usual things you chat about with someone who has basically surveyed your vagina. went to bed, had great sex with substantial simultaneous orgasms, all's well that ends well, etc. 

We were listening to his itunes on shuffle in a post orgasmic haze, when a tango number came on (side note: not always a good idea in the boudoir. We ended up fucking to the Dead Kennedys at one point. Put me off my game somewhat. I almost choked on his dick when his spanish language lesson came on mid BJ - who knew fellatio could be so educational!!). "Soon you'll be in buenos aires", he remarked. I mumbled something vaguely agreeing with his painfully obvious statement. 

"Dancing with all those Argentinan......HUNKS!". 

Oh, hello, is that someone being a bit jealous? 

"Oh, they'll lovvve you"

I kind of laughed a little - what did he want me to say? That I wouldn't dance with them? That's the least of his concerns. I guess he know that. But, you know, tough tatas. If you liked it then you shudda pudda ring on it- or at least had the boyfriend/girlfriend talk.

I woke him up about 5.30. It had been a hot and sticky night, and I had slept fitfully, and doubtlessly woken him up a million times. So I thought I'd be nice and blow him. He was possibly one of the least enthused morning blow job recipients I have ever come across. I mean, it was like he was slightly *annoyed* I had woken him up with his dick in my mouth. He came, I briefly nestled into his shoulder, and made a mental note never to let him have one of those again. i fucking nearly put my jaw out for the cunt.

later in the morning, we were fooling around again. I was on all fours, not my favoured possie pleasurewise, but seeing as he is obsessed with my bum, and he hadn't had a crack at me from that angle, i thought I'd leave him with a nice mental image. After we finished fucking - he came, I didn't, boo - he casually observed "You must have very long thighs".

Fucking pardon??? 

It took me a while before I grasped that he was alluding to the fact the position of my vajayjay was a little bit lofty for his wee man. I mean, he is only *just* taller than me. Chances are it ain't nothing to do with my supposedly "long thighs", but more about his short stumps. Perhaps he could kneel on a phonebook next time? Geeze, whatever he chooses to do, I never want to hear about the abnormal length of my thighs ever again. Dude! Not cute!

So we've kissed and parted (he was miffed when he was shorter than me when I was in my heels), and soon i will be gone. i don't know what will happen when I return - he has so many pluses and minuses,  I'm still trying to figure out what cancels out what. But it doesn't matter. I am determined to have fun, and to maintain a policy of "don't ask don't tell".

Next time at Pants' Place : A post not about HT!!! Shock fucking horror! Tune in if you are throughly sick of my over-analysis of minute details and hanker instead for more slutty stories from your favourite reformed ho-bag!

xx

DOUBLE POST MADNESS: Update "Are you KIDDING me??"

Ok. Yeh sorry guys - I haven't read anyone's blog, or replied to any of your lovely comments. I have an excuse though,: I'm back up on the beaches working at my old restaurant. I just finished a sixty hour week, and today is my first day off since christmas. And what is the first thing I do? I blog for YOU, my darlinks.To the first item of business:
HT.

Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2010 16:20:03 +1100
Subject: Merry Christmas
From: Hottutor@hotmail.com
To: lady.pants@hotmail.com

Hi Lady,

I just wanted to say hello, and wish you a merry christmas. Been thinking of you, hoping all is well, and your new home is still treating you kindly. 

Have a great christmas and new year, take care,

Hot x


On Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 8:31 PM, Lady Pants  wrote:

Dear HT,


Funny, I was just thinking of you the other day.


All is well with me, I’m actually up on the beaches with my parents over the next few weeks working some serious shifts back at (current place of employment). Christmas isn’t as exciting for me this year because I can’t afford the gift giving I usually indulge myself in. I spent 6 hours in a baking frenzy the other day, but it’s not the same. Homemade gifts suck. Bah humbug, etc.


I’m going to Argentina in Feb, though, which should be exciting – I seem to remember you having visited there?


Merry Christmas to you, too. Hope the family is tolerable. But more importantly, I hope you are happy and well.


L 
On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 8:31 PM, Hot Tutor  wrote: 


Argentina! That is exciting. Yes, I have been there. I didn't travel around much, mainly stayed in Buenos Aires, and visited a couple of towns just north and south of there, but the city is so great to explore, I had a terrific time. 


Would you like to catch up for a coffee or drink at some point soon? It would be good to see you.


I hope your new year's eve tonight is grand (what are you doing?). 


Hot x
_____________________________

Things to note:

1. I replied to him the same day

2. He replied back to that A WEEK LATER

3. Accordingly, I am yet to reply

4. the phrasing of his last email indicates that he expected an immediate response :-I

4. He keeps on putting x's at the end of emails

5. I want to bone him, bone him, bone him

All aboard the Heart-Ache Express!! I'm fucked.

Why people suck and other assorted tidbits

Once upon a time I met a man at a party my friend threw for me prior to my boob job. He worked at my local bottle shop and we had chatted before. I thought he was kind of cute, even if he did have a southern cross tattoo (VOM). That night, he offered to drop me home, but we ended up having a beer or two at his place. We talked for a bit, and he complained about his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart - boring, and sadly all too familiar. We didn't fuck or even kiss, but he held my hands and stroked my hip whilst we watched MTV. It just didn't feel right. He dropped me home around 3 in the morning, took my number, and promised to take me out sometime. He didn't.

Over the next year or two, I'd bump into this guy occasionally. He'd give me a lift home from the shops or he'd send me a message whilst I was at a party, and then come pick me up and make me two minute noodles when I'd want to go home. He'd always ask me out, and never followed through. In the end I just used to laugh at him and thank him for the lift.

He's moved to Perth now, and has a girlfriend, which makes me happy because he really wanted one and he was a nice, if spineless, guy. I saw him of FB yesterday evening, and then noticed on the newsfeed that he had some suss application - BeNaughty, or something - announce that he had joined. I sent him a quick chat message alerting him to the fact that this was being advertised. I thought he might of accidentally joined some stupid thing, and I knew that his girlfriend (who was just announced on his profile as being as such) probably wouldn't like the looks of it. We chatted a bit, and he mentioned coming to Sydney over christmas and suggested catching up. I hopped of FB and then the suggestive texts started.

Oh, jeeze. Really? I didn't know alerting him to a flirting application cockup could be viewed as a come on. I thought I was just being nice pointing out what I thought was a mistake. But no. I just became implicit in some dead-shit's plans for infidelity. So disappointing, especially as I thought he was a genuinely nice guy.

********

I had a dream last night (part horror, part comedy) which contained the line "would you believe it's a vaginally inserted albino midget?".

********
Christmas pudding flavoured gelato is my new down fall

TUTOR FAIL

Saw HT on Friday... 
          had a drink
                          grabbed some dinner
                                                went back to his
And Its seems I really am quite the intuitive motherfucker because he launched into a huge "I'm still in love with my ex so I, um, I mean, I don't know what you want from this, but I errr, oh god, I want to go back to her but something stops me every time, but I errrr....." alrghqeirughq;eiorgjq;rl/fdkgjerlkgj sob story. 


I think he gauged my lack of happiness with his presumption pretty quickly given that my eyebrows pretty much cocked through the roof in irritation. What ever happened to SHUTTING YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND JUST ENJOYING THE FACT YOU ARE SLEEPING WITH A SELECTIVE NYMPHO. Jesus. Three times, we have seen each other. If you are that upset (a)  go back to your girlfriend, and (b) stop fucking me. No one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to stick your dick in me. Over and over again. And anyway...six months and you haven't spoken to her? Sister has probs moved on. And if she took you back she'd fucking make you suffer like the piss weak dog that you are. Beg her for forgiveness or fucking stop being such a bloody self indulgent sook and put your big boy pants back on. Christ. Why do I always have to be the man of the house??


I did not say all the above to him, although I wish I did. I instead mentioned I hadn't got that far in my cognitive appraisal of our situation, and frankly I wasn't yet sure what my expectations were, and besides, I had some shit going on in my own life which made me kind of cagey about anything vaguely resembling a relationship and I'm fucking a bit busy at the moment as well.


After this conversation, there was a silence (for once) and we made a pot of tea and he had a shower and put on pyjamas(??!). We talked until early morning about anything other than the subject that really mattered. And he lay on the bed, and I lay near him fully clothed. And as we talked he placed his hand on my hip and internally I shrugged and though "ahh, what the hell. I came here to get laid after all.". He did all the right things and made all the right moves, and I was practically coming by the time he was inside me but then, I dunno, I just felt annoyed or something, and my orgasm backed out of the room like a mortified teen walking in on their parents. He, apparently, had no such issue, experiencing as he did a male multiple orgasm (his internal dialogue, the whole time wailing something along the lines of: "Be-pierced temptress whore! Unholy she-devil of the heaving silicon bosom!!"). I managed to wrestle myself a piss-ant orgasm in the morning, but, meh. Way to go, dude, you've totally wrecked it.


Understandably, I will fucking well not be contacting him again. And if he contacts me? Hmm, maybe. But I won't be in for much more than a little bit of dick and a lot of revoltingly self aware yet entertaining conversation. Having other people lump their problems on me kind of kills the magic.


FUCK. I wish I didn't always get so disappointed when people fall short of my expectations.

Lady list

1. I had my wisdom teeth yanked from my jowls on Friday. Owie. And the tube they jammed in me whilst I was under general has scraped all my throat. Oh, and I love Mersyndol Forte.


2. I got weighed as part of my admission to surgery, and I am about the heaviest I've ever been - despite exercise and eating well etc. I'm 69kg. However, I feel and in my own humble opinion look, the best I ever have. Being naked with someone about a week ago, I felt entirely comfortable with myself, and more so I felt really fucking hot. I like this growing into your skin thing :)




3. Lady Pants has new palatial residence in Sydney's groovy inner west! It's near several rad music venues, the Dendy Theatres, The organic farmers markets, cafe society central, and several international cuisine hubs. Ooooh and 10-15 mins to uni by bus. SWEET AS. My room is massive, with huge built-ins and my own bathroom. At over $900/mth its a bit past my budget, but meh, thats what Daddies are for. I will be living with a copper and a financial reporter type. They seem fairly straighty one eighty, but nice and chatty enough. I'm friggen excited.


4. I messaged Matt/ HT yesterday afternoon, because I got sick of waiting for him to resurface, and I thought I'd throw him a rope in case he was just feeling shy or awkward or whatever - "Hey how are you, this is what I've been doing, shall we catch up this week sometime" ... nothing too hectic. Mother fucker has not replied. A while ago, this would have devastated me, given how much I like him. But now I just feel mild annoyance. It's not that hard: we get along fantastically, you think I'm hot, I think you're hot, we have great  eye-wateringly amazing sex. I'm too busy for a full time boyfriend at the moment, so a nice easy "let's hang out every week or two" scenario is all I'm looking for at the moment, really. Now. You may be a bit devo'd over your ex girlfriend, but fucking mop up the tears Princess, because she is gone. Half the reason she probably left you was because you are a giant dithering pussy. You're a nice guy with a lot to offer, but you are no good to anybody without a backbone. Want to see me? Then see me! Don't want to see me? Then say so, or give me some bullshit excuse! FUCK, ITS REALLY THAT SIMPLE. What a lame arse, limp-wristed sad sack of shit. next.

Lay, Lady, lay

Date went well with HT on Friday. We had dinner (or he had dinner and I couldn't even eat because my appetite deserted me) and a bottle of wine at a cute little eatery in the city. The conversation was effortless and I didn't feel the urge to spring to the other side of the establishment every time my foot brushed against his under the booth table.

After tea, we headed out into the night to a bar where we talked and talked and talked and drank until closing time. He asked me to come back to his house and without hesitation I said yes, and we jumped in a cab.

In his studio apartment, I sat on the edge of his bed, and resisted the urge to fall in a fit of jealousy at the sight of his giant twin bookshelves with contents organised by date of original publication and grouped by cover colour. He made a pot of herbal tea and we smoked rollies, and the conversation flowed just as it had before, almost as if neither of us had any expectation of what was to come.

And then he lay on the bed and propped his head up with one hand. I lay on my side next to him and the words continued to roll forth, even whilst he ran his hand over my back, then my hips, and then my ass. He kissed me. He undressed me down to my knickers. He teased me until I begged, and then he wouldn't let me have a thing until I undressed him. He almost ripped my pale blue mesh pants in half trying to get to my pussy, which he ate with fervour and aplomb, pushing my thighs apart with insistence and reaching up to push his fingers into my mouth.

The sex that night was fairly fanfuckingtastic, even though I was tired- so tired I couldn't really come. I fell asleep around 5.30 only to awake around 8 in his arms. And he kissed me. And it started again. Dear Lord can that man make me scream. Also: Synchronised orgasms. Best. Thing. Ever. If I had had any energy left after it at all I would have stood up and given him a round of applause. (and it wasn't ninja sex either)

So. Like I said. Things went well. And not only was the sex great but there was a (tenderness? Connection?) underneath our urgency.

I left his house at 12.30 because he had to go to work and so did I. I left without a shower but with a passionate kiss, and braved a TWO AND A HALF HOUR trip home. I got busted by the barman from work on the bus too. Epic walk of shame.

He has messaged me since, told me how much fun he had with me, how tired he was all weekend. I like him, a lot, in case you haven't gathered, but I'm not expecting too much. I found out, through the course of the evening, that in March (when I met him first funnily enough) he broke up with his girlfriend of 5 yrs. She was 30, and they were on the path to eternity. But he couldn't say for certain that he would give her children. So she left him... OUCH! I genuinely feel sorry for the guy.... I think we could have a bleeder.

We shall see. Either way, he gave me the best rogering in recent memory.

Bad Blogger

Hi Guys,

Firstly, apologies are in order:

1. I have not responded you any of your comments on here
2. I have not commented nor even read any of your recent posts
3. I'm an arsehole in general

So, sorry! Sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! I'm tired and I've got a lot on.

I've finished my detox - I had my first coffee yesterday morning, and my first glass of wine prior to seeing Florence + the Machine at the Enmore (which was, incidentally, awesome).  I had a cheese and tomato toasted croissant(!!!) for breakfast this morning, as it was my craving throughout the detox process and it was.....disappointing. My tastes have changed. I thoroughly recommend the detox process for anyone who is stuck in a rut - dietary or otherwise - as it has calmed me down and given me a lot of clarity. I feel, for the want of a better term, 'well', and I have been sleeping wonderfully apart from the fact my flatmate's cat has gone into heat and likes to try and root my foot.

I'm looking at a house in Darlington, which is pretty awesome/crazy and would involve sharing with a completely off tap older hippy lady. I'm trying to decide whether to take it or not, because she wants me to move in straight away, or at least start paying rent straight up. Eeeep.

I'm going out with H.T. tonight (in about 1 1/2 hours actually) and whilst I'm less nervous than last time, I definitely have a bit of an anxiety sweat going on. Not helped by the fact I dont think I like what I'm wearing - all my classmates at uni today told me I looked "smart" and "corporate". NOT the look I was going for. Shit. I'm wearing a cream peter pan collared blouse, a grey skirt which is high waisted and flared from the hip (hard to describe) which makes my waist look teeney-tiny, a black blazer and black tights with red flat shoes. I look like I'm trying to channel a secretary or a librarian. Whos about to run for the bus. BLARG. Anyway. Lets hope it all goes well. Maybe he'll want to spank me or something.

University is totally encompassing my life at the moment. I've got so much to do, and whilst none of it is particularly difficult for me, I'm intimidated by the sheer volume of it all. Saying that, I love what I'm doing - I care about what I study, I have a passion for it, and I think I will be pretty damn awesome when I finally step into schools. That might not sound exciting, but for anyone who has read vintage Pants when I was an EA in corporate land, you will realise how much of a big deal this is for me.

Anyway, I will endeavour to be a better bloggy friend, as much as I can. Please have patience with me, it might take me a while. Heck, it might not even be until after I've finished this semester. Pants' real world alter ego just has a lot of shit to juggle right now.

Update 5 - Oh yes, there is more

Hi Lady,

I was hoping to have caught up with you again before now, but (as lame an excuse as this sounds) I've had a mad couple of weeks and a lot to deal with. I'd love to have another drink again soon, however, I thoroughly enjoy your company. Perhaps this week?

I'm guessing you're back at Uni as of today, but if you'd again like to meet afterwards one evening that would be great.

I hope you've been well,

Hot

*******

Normally, I would bar the shit out of anyone who took that long to decide they wanted to see me again. But he really is so very yummy, I just can't resist breaking my own rules and giving him one more chance..... mother fucker better make good this time though.

Stalker city

So, I'm pretty shit at relationships and dating but I am truly excellent at procuring stalkers. 


(1) Yves, Brazilian ex boyfriend
He's still fucking hassling me to go to dinner with him, despite my total lack of communication with him. Even worse, he spotted me walking home from the gym two days ago, so now he knows where I live. WEEEEEEE!

(2) Shoe loving son of Sydney's Dominatrix Extraordinare 
I blogged about him a few months ago. Pretty much A grade weirdo.

Anyhoodle, was enjoying a nice sauna at the gym post workout. Not looking particularly good either, may I say - I was a fetching cerise colour from the exertion; I was wearing a bikini that I am a little too rubenesque to wear at this point in time. My armpits, legs and lady garden were un-groomed. A young man and a lady occupied the top seat, so I sat down bottom, closed my eyes, and tried to tune out their chatter.....
..."Hey, is that Sarah?" Fuck. "Iggy, right?". Forced conversation ensued, with me purposely chatting more with the lady. All I wanted to do was to sweat profusely in peace. But no. As time went by, the lady left, And I was left with him. He popped outside briefly to cool down. Then returned only to lay down on my seat with his head practically in my (hirsute) crotch. AWKWARD. I managed to flick few a few pages of my trash mag, and then I bailed the fuck out of there.

After the gym, I popped into the shopping centre downstairs to get a  1/2 hour ionic foot detox at the awesome chinese massage centre (dubious health benefits, I know, but so impressive!). Start walking along the main road back to my place. Why looky here! Who is this power walking to catch up to me?? I managed to shake him by pretending to have arrived at my street and then I high tailed it over a few peoples' backyards until I got to my place. Fucking shoe stroking freak.

(3) Officially creepy son of a bitch
I first wrote about him here (at the bottom of the post).

I got a call this afternoon from a number I didn't know - it rang a few times then hung up. I thought it might be one of the people from the house I'm looking at so I rang back straight away. I didn't recognise the voice on the other end of the line at first. I actually thought it was my old thesis supervisor for a moment - she has quite a masculine voice. Then, I realised. It was him, the creepy fucker. He asked who I was. I gave him a fake name, then quickly said he must have the wrong number and hung up.

A few moments later I get this message:

"I doubt I git the wrong no. Its been on my sim n curious as 2whr n how i knw u from b4. i didnt mean 2startle u a min ago cate [my fake name]. I'm wondering tho, do you have red hair by any chance? From narabean rite [my fake address from the first time we met]? n Gorguess? Now I remember you, hehe. I doubt you remember me cos it was ages ago but id love 4 us 2catch up."

FUCKING CREEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW

As much as I wanted to tell him to fuck the hell off, I didn't reply. I've called the cops and I will be filing a report tomorrow. Vodafone wont block him from my phone, because there isn't enough evidence of harassment. Being a creepy fucker isn't enough, apparently.

Anyway, lets just all pray one of these motherfuckers don't skin me and turn me into a coat.

We interrupt this transmission to bring you a number of boring announcements

I'm a bit blerg at the moment. I think I'm bored. This confirms my worst suspicions - I need to be constantly anxiety ridden and/or totally mentally fucking exhausted in order to be happy. Yeh, I know, cry me a river, right? Two weeks left of uni holidays, anyway.

Some housekeeping:

1. I got a HD for English last semester. !! And whilst, as we know, I flirted outrageously with the teaching staff, I think I fucking well earned it.

I also "met requirements" for all my teaching/counselling subjects. This whole competency based assessment system totally screws with my head, btw. I'm like "Yeh. But what is my SCORE??!! Don't I get a letter grade even??". I know, I know, I should have let go of the ego ages ago, but I haven't, OK. Gawd.

2. My brother is in respite care after his latest episode. Think my mum and dad have finally screamed loud enough at various government departments for someone to throw us a goddamn fricken bone. No permanent accommodation sorted yet, but it looks promising.

3. The hot young guy at work has been acting very strangely ever since we told him about the hot tutor date, etc. He and I always have D&Ms at work, or at least a jolly good gossip, but over the last 3 weeks there has been lots of touching, soft kisses hello, calling me 'baby'.... There have been a few things said which are... suggestive. I think he got a bit jealous about me liking someone else, but in a totally narcissistic manner. Like he doesn't necessarily want me, but he doesn't want me to like anyone else. Anyway. It's nice to have pretty boys flirting with you.

4. Bought a bunch of books the other day:
* The old man and the sea - Hemingway (read it on saturday morning and its beee-autiful)
* Book of longing - Leonard Cohen (a book of poetry - I'm reading it now. Plagiarism to follow in subsequent posts)
* Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse (read it a few years back, but I wanted my own copy)
*Divisadero - Michael Ondaatje (never heard of it before, but it was on sale and Ondaatje is probably my favourite author)

I still have about 4 other books from my last round of purchases which I still need to read. I also have 3 books I am in the process of reading and have yet to finish. FUCK. Reading makes me stressed. Oh, and I'm going up to my family's book warehouse on Thursday to speak to my Grandpa about the young adult fiction titles in his stable (as part of the English teacher gig). So I will probably pilfer wildly from there too. Arrgh! I need to learn to read faster.

5. Remember the guy I thought knocked me up - he's a friend of several years, and quite a troubled young insect? Well, I extended an invitation to him about a month ago - he wanted to get out and 'do' more stuff, not just get on it all the time in a vain attempt to snort himself a personality. He said yeh...and didn't get back in touch with me. I didn't particularly care because it was a more a friendly suggestion (that would, none the less end up in bed as always), and I know the lure of the nose bag is quiet strong for him. Anyhoodle, got a call on Friday afternoon, real awkward, asking what I was doing. i happened to be busy all weekend and advised him of such. Plus, dude, its been a few weeks. You've missed the boat. On Saturday night, a bunch of friends were having cocktails at my work, and I had a G&T with them after my shift finished. Turns out this guy has told pretty much everyone on the Northern Beaches I want to go out with him. Um, no. I was just suggesting we hang out. As we are friends. I don't really think you are boyfriend material. I mean you might be. But  the magic eight ball def. points to 'no' in this instance. And anyway, wtf happened to having a little discretion, i ask you? We share the same group of friends. I'm gonna find out what you say about me. If you had shut the fuck up, I'd let you take me to the movies then I'd probably blow you. It's that simple. Fucking figure it out, you half-wit.

6. No news on the tutor front. Clearly, he is a loser and I'm awesome and he doesn't have the brains to notice.

[edited to add, because pictures are fun]

7. Vintage Pants - pre boob job - on holidays in Vietnam, 2007. This is just after I broke up with D-RO. Look how fucking happy and smug I am. I had just enjoyed a wild threesome with 2 very handsome french men (no seriously - they remain by far the hottest people I've ever talked to, let alone effed) about 2 weeks prior to this photo being taken. Ahhh, good times. Except I'm doing the peace sign thing, which is pretty gay.