a good reason why you shouldn't think too much

I'm wondering why I feel so flat when, just there out on the horizon, a prospect of human connectivity dances in and out of focus, tempting my attention and mocking my inaction.

Is my reservation a reluctance to relinquish my hard-erned selfhood - even a quarter inch - up unto another?

Is it a warning that, despite all glowing appearances on paper, there is an irreconcilable incongruence between he and I that will never be broached? Is this a symptom of my fear of his disdain of my joy in spite of this follies of this faulted world? I cannot embrace the outrage for the millions slighted by western conveniences to the extent he does, these realities I allow only to dance on the perimeters of my own consciousness, I relegate them to the outer realms to preserve my own hard-won happiness. I refuse to give up this selfish self preservation. Is he a better man because he suffers for the suffering of others? Do not those who can have a responsibility to be happy? At this stage, we laugh off our differences in perspective, we quit mid battle and pretend to be only bemused.

Or has his hesitation poisoned my well of hope, so that only my romantic cynicism and carnal cunning remain, festering in fetid waters which once promised such fertility?

Perhaps yet another exquisite pleasure derived from the dexterity of my own nimble fingers has dampened my fire, left me in this puddle of apathy - it has been know to happen before.

But after his sweat dried on my skin that last time, as I listened to the fan whir, I thought to myself "It is empty now. I don't feel anything any more". The thought brushed against me for only a moment, and in the morning it was long gone.

I am fearful of the consequences of ignoring these signs, and yet I will pursue him still. The only man to capture my gaze in an age,the only one whose touch has a prophesy of so much more to come. A brilliant mind and a heart torn open with feeling. And yet...

Ah, my friends, we shall see, won't we?

question:

Why, after a youth filled with men utterly obsessed over my natural boobs, does every man I fuck post-op happen to be a big time ass man? My ass has not improved that much, although my tits have... so I ask again WHY GOD DO YOU MOCK MY $18K EXPENDITURE.

PS Seems I am 'seeing' HT now, in what capacity I am not sure. He is a weirdo. But I like him.

PPS And yes he is an ass man. Also a hair puller.

PPPS Had sex for the first time in 5 months - EXACTLY - this morning. God he is such a great fuck. He has that whole "yep, I'll spread your legs and brush my fingers across your pussy, pointing out its finer features whilst I sit back and smoke a rollie until you have a small tantrum" kind of thing going on. YAY. I love that stuff.

PPPPS I leave for Buenos Aires in 11 days. Stay tuned. There will be tales of misbehaviour.

DOUBLE POST MADNESS: Reasons why my mum is a cunt #359025769537

I love my mum. I really do. She is a whacked out, out of control space cadet in her fifties. Her nuttiness makes me laugh. However, this morning I could have punched her in the tits.

See, my mum is concerned about "my health" seeing as I am "giving up on myself". Read: I've let myself go by becoming - SHOCK! HORROR! - A size 12 or occasionally a 10! What a disgusting heifer I am! How can I even face the abundance of fat rolls which must greet me every morning?

She even saw fit to wake me this morning (I am staying with the pares whilst working up here) by whispering in my ear "Don't give up on yourself darling".

I'm sorry. When did being a totally normal body size become a failure? And not only am I normal, but in my eyes, and those of a few others I'm pretty sure, I look HOT. I have a nice body. I am not skinny, not in a month of sundays. But I am perfectly in proportion, and I have some fairly kick arse curves. All of which DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER because the best things about me are that  I am CLEVER and a GOOD PERSON and I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR and I AM REALLY GOOD AT THE WORK I DO. I do NOT need to bank on my looks. And even if I did, I am not concerned about them in the slightest.

Let us just say I did not take kindly to her concerns. Poor Mum. She copped a fair verbal hiding from me. And then I went down the road and bought a BLT with extra crispy bacon, grilled onion, cheese, avocado, mayo and BBQ sauce and ate it all in front of her.

DOUBLE POST MADNESS: Update "Are you KIDDING me??"

Ok. Yeh sorry guys - I haven't read anyone's blog, or replied to any of your lovely comments. I have an excuse though,: I'm back up on the beaches working at my old restaurant. I just finished a sixty hour week, and today is my first day off since christmas. And what is the first thing I do? I blog for YOU, my darlinks.To the first item of business:
HT.

Date: Thu, 23 Dec 2010 16:20:03 +1100
Subject: Merry Christmas
From: Hottutor@hotmail.com
To: lady.pants@hotmail.com

Hi Lady,

I just wanted to say hello, and wish you a merry christmas. Been thinking of you, hoping all is well, and your new home is still treating you kindly. 

Have a great christmas and new year, take care,

Hot x


On Thu, Dec 23, 2010 at 8:31 PM, Lady Pants  wrote:

Dear HT,


Funny, I was just thinking of you the other day.


All is well with me, I’m actually up on the beaches with my parents over the next few weeks working some serious shifts back at (current place of employment). Christmas isn’t as exciting for me this year because I can’t afford the gift giving I usually indulge myself in. I spent 6 hours in a baking frenzy the other day, but it’s not the same. Homemade gifts suck. Bah humbug, etc.


I’m going to Argentina in Feb, though, which should be exciting – I seem to remember you having visited there?


Merry Christmas to you, too. Hope the family is tolerable. But more importantly, I hope you are happy and well.


L 
On Fri, Dec 31, 2010 at 8:31 PM, Hot Tutor  wrote: 


Argentina! That is exciting. Yes, I have been there. I didn't travel around much, mainly stayed in Buenos Aires, and visited a couple of towns just north and south of there, but the city is so great to explore, I had a terrific time. 


Would you like to catch up for a coffee or drink at some point soon? It would be good to see you.


I hope your new year's eve tonight is grand (what are you doing?). 


Hot x
_____________________________

Things to note:

1. I replied to him the same day

2. He replied back to that A WEEK LATER

3. Accordingly, I am yet to reply

4. the phrasing of his last email indicates that he expected an immediate response :-I

4. He keeps on putting x's at the end of emails

5. I want to bone him, bone him, bone him

All aboard the Heart-Ache Express!! I'm fucked.