Hello, my darlinks! A wee update for you to fill you in on the happenings since last we spoke:
1. I turn 28 next Sunday. I demand a recount.
Oh, and if any of you are feeling creative, or even if you are not and just want to show me how amazingly loveable and precious I am, feel free to make me a birthday greeting or write me a birthday limerick (Extra points if you use MS Paint, cause I like it lo-fi). You can email it to the addy in the blurb on the top right near my titty picture. Fuck, I'm a demanding one, aren't I?
2. I'm not pregnant.
I seriously thought I was up duff. Did a pregnancy test and everything. This is very good news, as I did not want to have a crack baby.
3. I've started going to the gym again.
Thrilling, right? I've decided I miss my old super hot rig and brutal fitness levels. At the moment I'm doing dance classes because I like laughing at myself, and it's pretty amusing doing isolation work and body-rolls wearing lycra, coated in sweat as the meat head perves look in. I give em an extra toe touch.
4. I am ridiculously sexed-up at the moment.
With no one to take it out on. Seriously on heat. Perhaps the relief of not being sperminated. Meat-heads better watch out. Will possibly have to resort to dry humping a bosu ball soon.
5. All my assignments and exams for Semester 1 will be done by June 15. Then I can go back to being a lazy cunt for a month or so. In Semester 2 I will be going out on my first prac as a school counsellor. Yeh!! Very exciting.
6. I got propositioned by an attractive young man whilst buying a pie at the service station at 1 AM Sunday morning.
He was very sweet and respectful and named Lucian. We sat on the stone wall at the entrance to my street and ate our pies (ate our pies! ha!) together, and he told me I had pretty hair and asked me to come home with him and eat lollies and play with his dogs. If I wasn't bleeding like a sacrificial goat I would have totally fucked him. Damn it.
28, not pregnant, dancing, horny and eating pies at 1am.
ReplyDeleteyour over qualified to be a school counselor
My dear, your title led me to believe we were going to get an impressionistic pic of your good self, Seurat-style
ReplyDeleteKeep that one in mind, won't you
DOG3OY: I'd say it should be a prerequisite
ReplyDeleteCaptain: One could say that I've gone..... dotty?? (Thank you, I'll be here all week).
quite so
ReplyDeleteand one definitely wouldn't say you look better from a distance than close up
oh, you!
ReplyDelete1. Couldn't be arsed. Slim possibility of me attaching a glow stick to my cock and jumping around the room on long exposure trying to spell out a greeting.
ReplyDeleteVery slim
2. Not much fear of a crack baby - you can't get pregnant in your crack.
3. As an official card carrying perve I thank you on behalf of all other perves out there.
4. No sympathy - I've offered myself and been declined, can't do much more than that.
5. I share your joy - no really I do. I know I sound impossibly insincere but working on campus I feel for all the hard hours of study the dedicated (and cute) students poor into the effort.
6. You could have asked if he minded - most blokes don't mind. At least gave him your email address.
1. Prick. No, seriously Prick. Sounds like a fantastic idea.
ReplyDelete2. Phew, I'll just take it up the arse from now on then. Thanks for the hot tip.
3. No problems. If I'm sexually frustrated why shouldn't everyone else be?
4. You are, as ever, a shining example of a Good Samaritan :)
5. I have reached my work threshold for the next, oooh, I dunno, 347154613457665 years.
6. "Hi, yes, I'd like some lollies, and for you to politely ignore the blood gushing from my gash. So, what school did you go to? Oops, mind the clot."
Hi there Miss Lady Pants, I found your blog in my referral links, so I came here and now I am reading through all of your archives because I really like your style. Except now I feel carsick from scrolling through your post of what a gazillion looks like. Damn it! Anyways, I'm sure I'll be coming back here again often, so keep up the good work please.
ReplyDeleteoh please can you fuck the captain for your birthday?
ReplyDeleteJoanna: Well hi there, thanks for swinging by. Indeed, the gazillion post should come with a warning :) I will try to maintain the smut and self-indulgent twaddle as much as possible ... don't be a stranger x
ReplyDeleteKimba: I do believe the good Captain is spoken for. Plus, he is one of the very very few who know my twat timeline in its entirety and in brutal Technicolor detail. On the basis of this, I do believe he would know better! - far too gentlemanly. Mostly.
I wasn't bleeding like a sacrificial goat I would have totally fucked him
ReplyDeletehilarious! Just found your blog and am loving it
Thanks Emma! Although I'd probably more readily describe myself as 'crass' :)
ReplyDelete*clears throat* indeed
ReplyDeleteBut I appreciate the shout out Kimba!
Please unique_stephen, please can you do the glow stick on your cock picture? It is her birthday after all.
ReplyDeleteBut on a serious note Ms Pant, do I need to lecture you about safe sex?
damn you taken boys who sound like sex on a stick! bah!! BAHHHHH!!!!!
ReplyDeleteStephen: Can you honestly deny me now?
ReplyDeleteNipples: Believe me, I have been kicking my own arse over that one... In my drunken state I got lulled into the "we've been lovers for so long" delusory bull crap. Cue more paranoia.
Kimba: I see you BAHHHH and raise you a FUCKERRRS. Captain, for avoidance of doubt I do *not* refer to you in any way shape or form, but rather the legions of men who, unhappy in their present relationships, will seek out my friendship and attach themselves to me, "Break up" with their partners, seduce me, and then get the guilts and run back to their beige girlfriends. Fuck you, you weak cunts! Find another relationship thermometer! Seriously SO SICK OF IT.
...Ok, wow, where did that rant come from??
well, now that that's cleared up...
ReplyDeletegood thing I'm quite capable of fucking up a relationship without using you as a crutch. Or using your crotch, as the case may be
but once again, thanks for the kind words Kimba!
To your eternal credit, Captain :)
ReplyDeletehappy birthday pet. xx [cap'n do you have single members of extended family you could perhaps send our way?]
ReplyDeletexx
thank you my lovely [i'll fight you for them]!
ReplyDeleteIt didn't work.
ReplyDeleteI tried a few times with different cameras. The best I got was an out of focus yellow smudge.
Sorry to disappoint, but there is only the one (the one and only!) Captain to go around. Besides, it would be a little like throwing them to the lions – sounds like you ladies would devour them.
ReplyDeleteWhich isn’t a bad thing, per se…
Stephen: bless your heart. I'm sure you'll have it down pat by next year :)
ReplyDeleteCaptain: I'm kind of thinking the Minotaur or something. No, best you keep any relatives away from me at this point in time. PS have you tried passionfruit white choc scones yet? Holy crap, I swear I put on 5 kgs with just one bite