Pass the waffles...

Bonsoir!

So I'm in Cambodia, at present, at a seaside outpost called Sihanoukville. I've taken a brief break from sunning, eating, sleeping, reading, perspiring, drinking, eating, drinking, drinking, drinking, violently spewing, lying prostate, complaining, eating (etc, repeat until liver pickel-ing complete) to let you in on a secret:

You *really* ought to make sure you adequately stretch before embarking on a group sex romp with a Belgium bisexual couple (Natalie, "I is fassssion desiighhner" and Dennis (the menace) "I is the psyc-trance electroooo deejayy, you know?"

My thighs hurt. The holiday is going well.

My celibacy is well and truly in tatters, it's flimsy remenants soon to be a distant memory, like moth piss on a light bulb.

Fuck Me Friday - its ba-ackk!

You thought I had forgotten, hadn't you! No such chance, friends. 


No preface expressing my confusion over sexuality blahh blahh, just a nice old list of people I want to have sweaty, wild, dirty, voodoo-magic sex with. It's the simple things in life, folks.


1. ANA MATRONIC FROM SCISSOR SISTERS

Holy sweet mother of God, you Wanton Wild Thing. I barely know where to start. Well actually, I'd probably start by inching myself nearer to you on the love seat, so our thighs touched. Then I'd glance at you though heavy-lidded lashes as you spoke. I'd bite my bottom lip, and... Oh! Let's stop this before I get too carried away and I am rendered physically incapable of double clicking any mouse except my own.

I mean, you actually kind of make me wet in this film clip, especially when you snarl through a curled lip. I seriously want to do you. 


And the boys in the band are pretty damn cute too. I'd probably be up for a gang bang.


FUCK ME, ANA MATRONIC


2. JACK WHITE


I've been thinking about my doorbell, when you gonna ring it, when you gonna ring it? Replace "doorbell" with "aching pussy" and "ring" with "touch/lick/kiss/fuck" and you're pretty much there.

Jesus, you look hot here. I like your hat. Strum me! Strum me like your ukelele!!


And yes, you do, at best, seem to be severely anaemic. I reckon you'd have ugly feet, belly button lint and a faint odour of liver, but I'm willing to over look that because I want you to suck my toes.


Ok?


No, seriously. Anytime. I'm waiting for you, Jack.


FUCK ME, JACK WHITE. 


3. VIVIENNE WESTWOOD

Reining Queen of Punk and creator of excellent shoes. You embody exactly the type of old lady I'd like to become.


I'd like to have tea at your house and let you butter my crumpets. I would totally be ok with you spanking me, especially if you soothed me with one of your purddy  dresses afterwards.


I like your hair. A lot.


FUCK ME, VIVIENNE WESTWOOD


4. MARLON BRANDO

Are you kidding?? I could eat that white t-shirt clean off you, no sauce required. You really let yourself go, though, didn't you, as you got old. Shame.


I wanna be your Blanche Dubois. I've always relied on the kindness of strangers.


I'll sit on a chair and let your un-furl my stockings, ceiling fan clicking in time with my throbbing heart. And I'll admire your lovely arms.


FUCK ME, MARLON BRANDO


5. SHANE FROM THE L WORD

I actually don't have much to say. Do me. DO ME NOW. I want to lick your stomach. I *trembles*... oh god dammit, for chrissakes will you just


FUCK ME, SHANE


6. LEONARD COHEN

I saw you in concert with my Mum. I was so over wrought with emotion, I was crying by the time the opening act, Paul Kelly, was but two songs into his set.


And when you came out! In your fedora and too-big suit. Down on one knee on the persian carpeted stage floor, belting out words which ripped my soul in two. Now THAT is a man.


You are so incredibly gifted as a singer, as a song writer. 


"I see you there with a rose 'tween your teeth....one more thin gypsy thief"


"The last time we saw you, you looked so much older... your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder"


And that's just one song, people! Amazing.


I want you to take me in a shabby motel, I want you to immortalise it in song when I've gone and slunk into the night.


You are a good man. I'm glad you sung to me.


FUCK ME, LEONARD COHEN

Lady Pants Confession #2

My nether regions had become rather "Welcome to the Jungle". So this morning  I decided to give myself a hair cut, using nail scissors and a comb.

Well.

 I  now have something resembling a kosovo refugee with partial alopecia in my pants. I'm expecting the UN to intervene at any moment.

Missed me, missed me, now you gotta kiss me...

Do yourself a big old Tuesday favour - listen and watch as Amanda Fucking Palmer and her lovely Brian aka the Dresden Dolls bang out this twisted, perverted, pretty little ditty.



My favourite bit? "I hope you're happy! In the county penitentiary! It! Serves! You! Right! ... for kissing little girrrrls" around 3.45. Holy crap, I want to make out wildly with them both.

Speaking of wildly making out...I originally heard the song covered at a performance by the goddess incarnate Meow Meow (pictured on below). If you haven't had the chance to see Meow Meow in all her feline ferocity I urge you to do so as a matter of importance. She swings by Sydney fairly frequently, but I believe she is tearing up Paris at present (see http://www.meowmeowrevolution.com/). Do it! Your loins will thank you!