Sia mends hearts

This film clip has cheered me up over the last 36 hrs... I am a little worried about the slight Sia obsession I have cooking, though.

Ok seriously, I need to marry her. I reckon I could do a nice heavy black sateen tuxedo with cigarette trousers and no shirt under the jacket and look quite smoking, no?. Or we could wear matching outfits and I would not care one bit if she was cuter than me. Which she is.

Tits and sadness

So I had to go with my aunty (who I live with) to put down her dog today. Rama, she was (just had to correct that from "is") a big dog, a bull mastiff who had developed back and hip issues meaning she  couldn't really walk. My Aunty didn't have any money to put her down, which made it even sadder, but thankfully we got that sorted.

Now as a sort of semi-aside, I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me. Perhaps I don't feel sympathy as much as I should, perhaps I'm too pragmatic. But oh, am I sad in my heart today. Holding Ra with Leila as she was injected, hearing her whimper with the needle, seeing her love in her eyes and her eyes go dead. My hand on her fur feeling her warm, and then feeling the warm go - real or imagined, I felt that go from her. Beautiful girl.

I'm eating pasta and drinking Wild Turkey and blubbing a little. I love you, girl.

Anyway, in the absence of anything more meaningful to say, and in honour of Ra-Ra, here are some tits:

Sniffle

Pubic Service Announcement

I've been considering writing down some of my sexual exploits for amusement purposes and to remind myself why you shouldn't fuck fuckwits. I received a suggestion that a timeline might be handy to help readers follow the stories, as well as a character map showing connections between main players, you know like the ones in the front of Tolkien.

NB I can't include everyone as (a) it would take a very long time, (b) some people didnt provide very much entertaining material, and (c) blargh.

I don't know when I will get around to penning any of these penie adventures, but I am happy to take requests for stories relating to particular characters.

love, Pants xx

Rhonda the Magnificent Returns to Town

(Here is her debut)

Oh, for it’s a lonesome life for me

Marooned here in a sequined sea

I’m surrounded by admirers

Virile hot blooded desirers

And a handful of skillful lovers or three.

But the road, it keeps on a callin

Lit with lusty southern drawl an’

Another day stuck in this trailer

“Why Rhonda, what’s it that ails ya?’

It’s just I can’t help feelin I’m fallin

But the night comes and I dust off my hat

Draw the blinds and feed my puss-cat

I step out in the dark

A shining spectral spark

Gliding in the black like a bat

I make my entrance on my horse– the crowd roars!

They’re praising the queen they adore

I blows ‘em kisses, then I wink

On their knees my subjects sink

Cause there ain't a whore who they love more

going places fast on foot

Some of you may remember me when I used to get up and run at 5 AM on the beach every morning (yes, including winter) and/or do spin classes in my lunch break or run on the tready 'til I sicked a little in my mouth. Sometimes, for shits and giggles, I'd run along the beach and then try and run up XYZ Hill as fast as I could (can't find a picture that accurately depicts its gradient, but let's just say that the slope is pretty much designed to kill humans). Being mother-fucking fit used to be such a massive part of my identity.

But working in a physical job, doing funny hours and study commitments eroded my desire to work out. I haven't gotten very much fatter, mainly because I run around a massive restaurant carrying really heavy plates and often don't have time to eat. But I feel like shit, so unhealthy, so sapped of vitality. I live on stodge, ciggies and caffeine. I miss the cold morning air on my hot face. I miss feeling high and invincible. I miss seeing sunrise in pastel technicolor, alone, seeing stars fading in the morning sky.

So I went for a run this morning. Don't know what made me do it. I had a sleepness night, but I bounced out of bed and chucked on my running gear. First time in...um...ages. Possibly since October. I'm absolutely shattered, but I hope this is the whisper of a turning over of a new leaf.

PS I'm trying to move house. It's hard without a car :( Maybe I could just run to my new digs with the boxes?

Thoughts on fucking

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Fuck Me Friday - Extra Sinful Edition

1. Johnny Depp

I've been holding off including Mr Depp in my Fuck Me Fridays because he's such a damn obvious choice. Let's face it, ever since he exploded into our pop consciousness in 21 Jump Street he's been dampening pants worldwide. And yes, friends, Lady's Pants are included.

But my love for him has taken a new turn with his recent incarnation as the Mad Hatter. Yes, he looks a bit like Madonna circa 2010, but to me that's kind of a plus.

And he has the same colour hair as me. See?:

Oh you can try to run, you little minx. But I will catch you and we will made eccentric ranga babies together. Even though I'm really mousy haired. Whatever. I'll WILL it to happen, and thus it will be so.

FUCK ME, JOHNNY DEPP

2. Sia Furler

Pretty little pixie pants! Oh how I want to kiss you nose and ruffle you hair! Could you possibly be any cuter? Probably not, it would be illegal in all states and territories except Tasmania, I reckon.

I just got your CD "Some people have real problems" in the mail, only to find, you clever little monkey, that you have just released a new one! Which I will have to promptly obtain because I'm all fan girl for you, and yes I am seriously considering cutting my hair like yours.

FUCK ME, SIA FURLER

Which leads me to point number 3...

3. Le Tigre 

MEOW, ladies. 

That is all.

(Sia's girlfriend is in the middle)

FUCK ME, LE TIGRE

4. Jesus of Nazareth

Jesus is definitely hot. I was going to put a picture of him up on the cross, you know, the one where he looks like he really wants to hug you, but I thought that might be taking things a weeeee bit too far - it is Good Friday after all.

But imagine how convenient it would be! You could be all like "Oh God yes! Sweet Jesus! Oh God fuck me!" and he would totally think you were talking to him directly.

FUCK ME, JESUS.